You Know Youâre Getting Older When ·
An old guy goes to the doctor.The doctor examines him and says, "You've got cancer and Alzheimer's."The old guy says, "Thank God I haven't got cancer."
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darnedest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the women at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
an old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York city building, when a young and beatiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. she turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "romance" by Ralph Loren, $150 an ounce!" then another young and beatiful woman gets on the elevator, and alsoo turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No.5, $200an ounce!" bout three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful woman in the eyes, then bends over and farts and says,.............."Broccoli-.49 cents a pound."
A 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it,
I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?"
Top 10 Old Folks Party Games
1. Sag, You're It!
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
6. Doc, Doc Goose
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners
YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN.....
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a day out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation, and your energy runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. "Getting lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
An old lady goes to doctor, says she has gas, but they are quiet and don't smell, can he help her. doctor gives her a prescription, and tells her to take one in the morning and one at night and come back in a week. she comes back the next week, upset, tells the doctor she still has gas but now they smell terrible. doctor says, well we've cleared up your sinuses, now lets see what we can do for your hearing.
SOME GOOD THINGS ABOUT GETTING OLDER
* Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00
* Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
* Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
* It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
* If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
*Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
*Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
* Your eyes won't get much worse.
* Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
* Things you buy now won't wear out.
* No one expects you to run into a burning building.
* There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
* Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
* In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered, "The teeth."
A man goes to visit his grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.
1970 Long Hair.
2000 Longing for hair.
1970 The perfect high.
2000 The perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970 Keg.
2000 EKG.
1970 Acid Rock.
2000 Acid Reflux.
1970 Moving to California because it's cool.
2000 Moving to California because it's warm.
1970 Growing pot.
2000 Growing pot belly.
1970 Douglas Street bridge.
2000 Dental bridge.
1970 Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000 Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
1970 Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000 Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
1970 Seeds and stems.
2000 Roughage.
1970 Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000 Popping joints.
1970 Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000 Our president's struggle with fidelity.
1970 Paar.
2000 AARP.
1970 Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000 Being caught with Hustle magazine.
1970 Killer weed.
2000 Weed killer.
1970 Hoping for a BMW.
2000 Hoping for a BM.
1970 The Grateful Dead.
2000 Dr. Kevorkian.
1970 Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000 Getting a new hip joint.
1970 Rolling Stones.
2000 Kidney stones.
1970 Being called into the principal's office.
2000 Calling the principal's office.
1970 Screw the system!
2000 Upgrade the system.
1970 Peace sign.
2000 Mercedes logo.
1970 Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000 Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1970 Take acid.
2000 Take antacid.
1970 Passing the driver's test.
2000 Passing the vision test.
1970 "Whatever"
2000 "Depends"
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
Super Granny: Defender of Justice (True Story)
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you scumbags!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the Captain sent the old woman back to shore, with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally, the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: Ma'am, sorry to inform you that we found your husband dead, at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck, and attached to his rearend was an oyster, and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000...please advise. The old woman faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
MORE YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN.....
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
You finally reach the top of the ladder, and you find it leaning against the wrong wall.
You join a health club and don't go.
You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is Twenty-Five Years Ago Today.
You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
After painting the town red you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You are startled the first time someone calls you Old-Timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
The little old gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You've got too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.